TAWA NAMAN DYAN...

HAHAHAHA....
Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito! pag namuti, white gold! pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

use violet in a sentence...
"oh no! i lost my ballpen .. pero ok lang.. i'll violet." hehehe

lapit na christmas kung wala kang gift, okay lang... kakantahan pa kita!
boom barat barat! boom barat barat! baaraaarat.. ! baaaraaarat. .! boom..!boom. .! boom!! hehehe

couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay.
tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami sira dito sa bahay.
so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am. Dahil
sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng: "HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"
Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men Into
women. After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry
for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi
agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw,
hindi na.

HEHEHHE!

Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

Fw: patawa lang kaunti

Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!

BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

 Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

 Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

 ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

  A lizard fell on a table.

 Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

 Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

 Astig: Shit, butiki!;

 Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

 Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

 Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

  ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

 Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo, fit masyado, di ba?

 ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!

Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?

Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!

 ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***    

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip

ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

 Juan: Maniwala ako?!

 Pedro: Totoo!

 Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

 Pedro: Asin!

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

 Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

 Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

  Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni Mama

Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!  

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***    

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!

 Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?

 Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

  Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.

Inay: Bakit naman?

Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.

Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?

Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

   ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka

bampira?!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!

SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?

TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!  

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.

 Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo

madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?

 Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!

 Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!

 Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

 

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong mapait!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***  

Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos ang

rebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan! - Rapunzel.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote

ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

----------------------------------------------------------

Fw: Iba ang Pinoy!

Juan: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Juan: 'Sino ang walang assignment?
 

Iba ang PINOY!!!!!
PINOY CONTRACTOR ABROAD

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.

One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well,' he says. 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: '$2,700.'

The official, incredulous, says, 'What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

'Easy,' the Pinoy explains, '$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico '.

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

* * * * *

Joke
Q. What's the difference between corruption in the US and corruption in the Philippines ?

A. In the U.S. they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to the U.S.


* * * * *

Q. What`s the difference among Philippine Presidents Cory, Gloria and Erap?

A. Cory can`t tell a lie.
Gloria can`t tell the truth.
Erap can`t tell the difference.

* * * * *

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: 'Di Namin Alam '

* * * * *

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang   lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

* * * * *

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT:  Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!

* * * * *

'

* * * * *

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya   ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

* * * * *

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime:  Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha.... huwag naman, FREE.... Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

* * * * *

Eliseo:  Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshua: Sus! Tanga nga!  Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?


* * * * *

Erap to Cardinal Rosales:  Cards, hangga ngayon galit pa ang simbahan sa akin..  This is unfair!

Cardinal Rosales:  Bakit mo naman nasabi yan, Erap?

Erap: Tignan 'nyo Cards, mayroong sabado de GLORIA, mayroong Sagrado de CORAZON at mayroon ding Linggo de RAMOS, Bakit ako wala?  Naging presidente din naman ako, ah.

Cardinal Rosales: O sige na nga, Erap.   Para wala kanang reklamo mula ngayon sa iyo na yang ASS Wednesday!

Matawa ka Kaya?

Pedro & Juan.. Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain! Juan: Maniwala ako?! Pedro: Totoo! Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo? Pedro: Asin! ************ ***** Tatay to anak.. TATAY: Bagsak ka na naman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro. TATAY: Bakit naman? ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun ************ ***** Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink Anak: Coke o Pepsi? Tatay: Coke Anak: Diet o Regular? Tatay: regular Anak: Bote o in can? Tatay: Bote Anak: 8 oz o litro? Tatay:Bwiset, tubig na nga lang. Anak: Mineral o distilled? Tatay: Mineral. Anak: Malamig o hindi? Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh! Anak: Tambo o tingting? Tatay: Hayop ka! Anak: Baka o kambing? ************ ********* ****** Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again. NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad? PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh. ************ ********* ****** ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama? INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!! ************ ********* ****** doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina? Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE ! ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ** Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin. ************ ********* ****** ANAK: ' Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner? ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!! ************ ********* ****** What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine? It wooden start!!! ************ ********* ****** Operator: AT&T, How may I help you? Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis. Operator: Name of the party you're calling? Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis? Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling? Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.   Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically. Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali? Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, P as in pidio, I as in idio, D as in dio, I as in io, and O as in o. Operator: Sir, can you please use English words. Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba , U as in Europe , E as in important, and L as in elephant. ************ ********* ****** Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf? Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup! Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast? Pinoy: Hameneggs. Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir? Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much. Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked? Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked. Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried?  poached?  hard boiled or soft boiled? Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled. Waiter: And what bread would you like? Pinoy: Begyurpardon? Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat?  toast? Pinoy:   Pan Americano Waiter:  We don't have that. Pinoy:    Okey, gib me taystee.. Waiter:   We don't have that either, sir. Pinoy:    Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete? Waiter:   Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast? Pinoy: Donut plis.... ************ ********* ****** Two married men talking... 1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel. 2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa. ************ ********* ****** Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos! Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ? Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA ! ************ ********* ****** BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"? BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo:  "Hilow, hus cooling place?" ************ ********* ****** A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight." So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough" The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative" Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!" ************ ********* ****** How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog? Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it. If the cat likes it...rat! If it doesn't...cat! If it runs...dog! ************ ********* ****** What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ? In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines , they go to US! *********** ********* ****** Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap? Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan! Pag Bumbay - 5-6! Pag Kano - credit card! E pag Intsik - C.O.D..!!!! ************ ********* ****** Lulubog na ang barko... PARI: San Pedro, San Jose .... MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara... INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo! ************ *****

NATAWA AKO, SANA KAYO RIN!!

" Asawa" 1st year masaya.      After 5 years tanggalin ang A "sawa na".      after 10 years tanggalin ang S"awa na lang".      Sa susunod na taon tanggalin mong A "wa na!"      Home version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire":      Husband(QUESTION): dear puede ka ba ngayon?      Wife(ANSWER): di puede pagod ako!      Husband: is that your final answer?      Wife: FINAL!!!!      Husband: OK, can I phone a friend?!?      Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME!      Pag British naman: PARDON ME!      Pag Espanol: EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR!      Pag Pinoy: Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot.      Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.      Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!      PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka      sumabay sa kanila?      Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!      Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga anak mo!      Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa ko      lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana mangyayari yan!      NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo kayang bilangin?      ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko      minsan sabi, "tama na  inday, hanggang tatlo lang kaya ko."      Letter to OFW dad:      "Luv, tnx sa padala mo, hapi c nene kasi tobleron ang baon sa skul.      ung nike suot na ni jr. next tym wag ka na padala NIVEA MILK. di nila      type pait daw, ako tuloy ang umubos."      MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?      MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!      MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko?      MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!      IDD call from US:      HUSBAND: hon musta ang tindahan?      WIFE: department store na!       HUSBAND: ang tuba-an?      WIFE: KTV bar na!      HUSBAND: and mga tricy-kad?      WIFE: taxi na!      HUSBAND: ang dalawa kong anak?      WIFE: LIMA na!      SWEETHEARTS WATCHIN' DA SKY...      GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?      GIRL: anong huruskup?      GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.      GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!      TITSER: who can make a sentence then translate it in tagalog?      PUPIL: my titser is beautiful, isn't she?      TITSER: very good, translate it in tagalog.      PUPIL: ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda nga ba?      DONYA: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay      alasais empuntu!      MAID: walang problema donya. kung tulog pa ako      sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong mag almusal..

Fw: Tawa naman Jan!

 

    --- j o k e   t y m !!!! ---

Ang mga Bisaya di ko maintindihan English nila.
English ng isda... pis.
English ng mukha... pis.
Ng pandikit... pis.
Ng kapayapaan.. . pis.
Tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatira... Pis 1 o Pis 2?
Pisti!


(in a cabinet meeting ...)
GMA: oshige ... kung shino man ang tamaan ng bola na
'to ay siyang magre-reshign
(initsa ang bola, tumalbog pabalik sa kanya ...)
GMA: o ... praktish lang un noh? ulet!


Director: "Sir, we have to do something with our
population program. A woman gives birth every 30
seconds here in the   Philippines . ..
Erap: "Ha?, you're right...FIND THAT WOMAN!!!"


Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang
syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!


Mom: baby, you're good in math. Now I'm going to ask you
a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4
apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!


BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema NATIN
dahil nagmamahalan tayo.ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis NATIN si inday at TAYO ang ama


Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants
ng Ms. Universe
   Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare, ako nanalo!!!


Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala s i la sa Diyos, kayo po
naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang!


Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko
basag ang bungo!


Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH! !!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria


1 panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...


1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang
aso
Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang ka u sap ko!


In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!


Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit
Mga bakla: okey lang po father..dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide! !!

Tawa naman

 
 Kodigo

Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayer ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!

Alimasag

Nakaamoy si Ngongo ng pabango sa isang store.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Sabi naman ng saleslady, "Pabango 'yan, hindi alimango!"
Ulit ni Ngongo, "Ale, mango!"
Nag-agawan si Ngongo at ang saleslady sa pabango. Nahulog ang pabango
at nabasag.
Sabi ni Ngongo, "Ale, masag!"

GMA
Dumalaw si GMA sa mental hospital...
Dok: Let's welcome President Arroyo!
Pumalakpak lahat ng pasyente maliban sa isa na nasa sulok...
GMA: O, dok, bakit 'yung isa, hindi pumalakpak?
Dok: Ma'am, magaling na po siya!

Plantsa

Dok: Anong nangyari sa mga tenga mo?
Joshue: Nagpaplantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono.
Aksidenteng na-pick up ko 'yung plantsa.
Dok: Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?
Joshue: Ang gago, tumawag uli!

PALIMOS

Pulubi: Boss, palimos po.
Tonyo: Iinom ka o magyoyosi?
Pulubi: Wala po akong bisyo.
Tonyo: Okey. Sumama ka sa akin para malaman ng nanay ko ang nangyayari
sa taong walang bisyo

ALITAPTAP
Anak: Tatay, hindi ako makatulog, kasi, maraming lamok!
Tatay: Papatayin natin ang ilaw para hindi tayo makita.
(Pagpatay sa ilaw, dumating ang mga alitaptap... )
Anak: Hala ka, Tatay, nagdala sila ng flashlight!
SIOPAO

Kulas: Miss, isa ngang siopao, 'yung babae.
Waitress: Babaeng siopao???
Kulas: Oo. 'Yung may papel na sapin Kumbaga, napkin.
Waitress: Ahh, ganun po ba? Lalaki po ang nandito.
Kulas: Lalaki??????
Waitress: May itlog po sa loob.

MRS: sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na ako?
MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung
nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis 22 lang. Bale
total ay 56 sweetheart.


Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's 'fuera'?
Student: Fuera ka!


PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American salary,
British home, German car, Chinese food, and Pinoy
wife!

PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British wife,
German food, American home and Pinoy salary!


Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula ng letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige, sirit na nga
Bobo: Anest

1 binatilyo pumasok sa isang gay bar. Nalaman ng nanay niya at nagalit
Nanay: ano naman ang nakita mo dun na di mo dapat makita?
Binatilyo: si Tatang po gumigiling.


Bush: What are the pollutants in your country?
Jingoy: We have lots of pollutants.. ..we have sisig, kilawin,
chicharon,mani
Erap: Anak, may nakalimutan ka, Boy Bawang (cornik).

Tindero: Hoy, bili ka gatas ng baka? P10 piso lang isang baso
Manong: Ang mahal naman, may tig piso lang nyan?
Tindero: Meron po, pero kayo na po ang dumede sa baka.

Pasyente: Dok, bakit po ganito ang operasyon sa ulo ko? Halos kita na
utak ko
Doctor: Ok lang yan, yan ang tinatawag na open minded.

A naked girl rode on a taxi
"Bakit" asked the girl at the driver na nakatitig sa katawan nya
"Ngayon ka lang ba nakakita ng hubad?"
Driver: "Hindi po miss, iniisip ko lang kung saan nakatago pamasahe mo"

Wife shouting.... . "Honey mag-impake ka na, nanalo ako sa lotto"
Husband: "Wow, anong dadalhin ko?"
Wife: "Wala akong pakialam basta lumayas ka na"

Pare 1: 'Pare, magkaiba medyas mo, isang pula at isang azul'
Pare 2: 'Ewan ko nga kung saan nabili ng misis ko ito. May isa pa nga
akong pares na ganito rin and kulay sa bahay'


Beauty contest.....
Emcee: What's the big problem facing the country today?
Contestant: Drugs
Emcee: Very good, why do you say that?
Contestant: Ang mahal kasi eh!


Doc: Ano trabaho mo hija?
Girl: Substitute po
Doc: Hindi kaya prostitute?
Girl: Hindi po, mama ko po ang prostitute at kung may sakit siya ako
po yung substitute. .


Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Di niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!
 
 
 

simpleng hapunan (mabuting pangulo)

Ito ang bill ni pangulo..

Golden Osetra Caviar. Itlog ng isda. (bagay sa mga bugok trapo.)

California Osetra Caviar. Mahilig talaga sila sa malansa. (kung sabagay parang nanamoy lang naman nila sarili nila- malansang bulok na isda.)

Le Cirque Salad . Pinaghalo-halong mga gulay tulad ng lettuce (wag kayong jologs, hindi [let-us] ang pronunciation nyan, kundi [let-is] , okay?)
…sige na nga litsugas nalang… ano pa ba yan? er…sibuyas, balat ng sibuyas, sitaw, mayana, dahon ng gumamela, etc… P1,078 lang yan

Le Cirque Lobster Salad . Merong lobster meat, pipino, avocado, kamatis, okra saka dahon ng sibuyas. P2,842 isang plato nyan

Le Cirque Tuna . Syempre merong tuna dyan (na posibleng galing sa GenSan), orange, sesame seeds, wasabe ata yung green paste sa ilalim,
anim na pirasong halamang ligaw (dami dito samin nyang dahon na yan!) saka ilang patak na orange sauce. P1,029 naba yang apat na hiwang yan? (sabi ko na nga ba isda na naman)

Le Cirque Soft Shell Crab Tempura . Ngayon ko lang nalaman na meron palang crab na soft ang shell nya…ahihihihi…So ang ingredients dyan ay crab
saka harina tapos may kamote at ang paborito ni Popeye na spinach P1,078 /platter

Le Cirque Spring Pea Soup . Mga pataning pinaikot at pinalamutak sa blender para maging soup. A.k.a. Etchas ng baby P1,176 isang bowl?

Le Cirque Wild Burgundy Escargot . Pronounced as [es-kahr-goh] . Tandaan nyo yan para hindi kayo magmukhang enggot pag kumain kayo sa Le Cirque in the future, okay? Ang escargot ay kuhol. Madami nyan sa palayan kapag tag-ulan. Hmmm…sarap ng ginataang escargot! Kasama ng escargot dyan ay 2 munchkin donuts, makapuno, itlog ng isda saka ferns. Ito daw ang nagustuhan ni Senator Lapid dahil favorite nya ang kuhol. P1,421 grabeng mahal naman ng kuhol na yan!

Le Cirque Torchon of Foie Gras . Ang foie gras ay atay ng bibe or gansa. Ang pagbigkas nito ay [fwah-grah] . Ang torchon naman ay isang paraan ng pagluto ng foei gras na kung saan ibinabalot ito sa isang tuwalya at niluluto sa mainit na likido tulad ng alak o tubig. P1,715 lang naman yan

Paupiette of Black Cod . Ito’y manipis na piraso ng isda (black cod) na nirolyong parang shawarma at merong mga gulay sa gitna.
Paupiette is pronounced as [poh-pyet] . P2,401.00

Le Cirque Halibut Poached in Cocunut Milk. Halibut is pronounced as [hal-uh-buht] . Ito ay isang uri ng isda. Ang price P1,960

Dover Sole . Isa rin itong uri ng isda at ito rin ang pinakamahal sa main course na inorder ng ating mga public servant P3,675 wow na wow. Ano kaya ang lasa nyan, noh?

Le Cirque Saddle of Lamb . Ano ba ang saddle sa Tagalog. Hmmm…part daw ng backbone and loins. Eh ano yung loins sa Tagalog? Tadyang o pigi? Ay basta tupa lang yan! P2,548 naman yan

Krug Champagne
. Sa sobrang sarap ng Krug, umorder sina Gloria ng labing-isang bote nito. Kulang-kulang Php 249,000 lang naman iyang 11 bottles na yan. Ilang ginbulag kaya ang mabibili sa Php 235k? Teka, downpayment na yan para sa isang kotse o bahay ah! Tsk…tsk…tsk…
Sorry wala yung pix ng ibang entrees.

Ano pong masasabi ninyo mahal na pangulo sa mga bumabatikos sa inyo?

Reasons Not To Mess With Children

Reasons Not To Mess With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet aren't empty.' The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

Extinct Manila Pictures

Binondo circa early 1900s

Escolta Street 1884

Gate to Intramuros late 1800s




Gateway to Fort Santiago - Notice the Freemasons Symbol

Gen Otis 1898

Helping Mom Iron Clothes

Luneta Park 1900s

Pasig 1900s

Pasig 1900s

Sampaloc, Manila

San Sebastian Church and Hidalgo Street

Tram 1900s

Pagdating ng Panahon.....
Anong picture ang ipapakita natin sa sunod na henerasyon.....